Wizard For Sale, Slightly Used
by SylvaDragon
Summary: When Albus interferes once too often with her punishments, Minerva decides to teach him a lesson. A funny, romantic one shot. ADMM.


Wizard for sale, Slightly Used

Albus Dumbledore exited the staffroom, vivid purple robes swirling merrily around him, a bright beaming smile on his face. The staff meeting about ideas for raising funds had gone particularly well, he was delighted with the brilliance of his own idea, and certain that his staff shared his enthusiasm.

The rest of the staff still sat round the warmly blazing fire, some wore the dazed expression that was common after an encounter with the Headmaster, and one of his brilliant ideas. Others had their heads sunk despairingly in their hands, still others were shaking their heads and groaning in disbelief at what they had agreed to.

"How on earth did he persuade us to agree ?" Poppy sighed.

"Albus." Groaned Minerva, as if that one word were all the explanation required. As the whole school knew, her husband had an uncanny ability to convince people to take part in the most crazy schemes.

"I'm not doing it !" Snarled Severus, "I refuse to be auctioned off like a piece of meat !"

"If the rest of us have to do it, then so do you !" Snapped Minerva, "Besides I doubt anyone would buy you anyway !"

"Fine by me !" Severus snapped, "I wouldn't put it past those troublemaking Gryffindors of yours to club together and buy me just so they can torment me !"

"It's your Slytherins that make most of the trouble !" Minerva snarled, rising to her feet threateningly.

Quickly Filius piped up, "Now lets not fight, you both know that Albus said that no students would be allowed to bid on us. Personally I think it will be rather fun."

This was true, when Albus had outlined his idea for fund raising, he had answered his staff's howls of protest by reassuring them that no staff members or pupils would be allowed to bid. "We'll invite all the parents, and anyone else we can think of, as many people as possible. Then we'll auction you all off for a day. Won't that be fun ?" He had said, his eyes sparkling brightly, then somehow or other, he had charmed them into agreeing before they even had a chance to gather their thoughts.

Severus shot a disgusted look at Filius, then glared at Minerva from dark hooded eyes, and snarled, "It's very ... _convenient ..._ that neither you or the Headmaster will be auctioned off like the rest of us."

"Someone has to organise things !" Minerva snapped. Then before Severus could comment further she stuck her nose in the air, and strode from the staffroom, her back a rigid line of departing fury.

Over the next few days posters went up all around the school, staff and students were instructed to invite everyone they knew, and Hogwarts was alive with excited chatter about the upcoming auction.

It was the night before the auction, and Albus was seated contentedly behind his desk. He was humming merrily to himself, feet resting comfortably on the desk, mismatched socks proudly displayed to the whole world, as he practised his candy juggling skills.

Suddenly the door crashed violently open and Minerva strode into the room, her eyes blazing with righteous fury. "DUMBLEDORE !" She bellowed, so loudly that the window frames shook, and the golden instruments trembled on their tables.

As he heard the thunderous roar of rage from his wife, Albus jumped so violently that he tumbled off his chair, and landed in a heap on the carpet. "Yes dear ?" He said, as he peered nervously at Minerva, from over the edge of his desk.

"What are you doing down there ? Get up at once ! You know how dusty it is down there !" Minerva snapped.

Unwillingly Albus got to his feet, hovering uncertainly behind his desk, as though he were contemplating diving for cover if needed.

"What did we agree about you interfering with my attempts to discipline the students ?" Minerva thundered, shooting her best death glare at Albus.

"I ... I ... " Albus stuttered uncertainly, as he took a small step backwards.

"When I asked the Weasley twins why they had not turned up for the detention I gave them, they told me that you had let them off. How am I meant to keep discipline in the school when you keep letting students off ?"

Albus shot a worried glance at Minerva's wand hand which was inching towards her robes, last time he had interfered he had only narrowly escaped being hexed, and this time she looked even angrier. "I didn't mean to," He whimpered, "I just felt sorry for them."

"You always feel sorry for them, no matter what they've done !" Minerva snarled, "I told you last time that if you interfered again you'd be sorry !" A quick movement, and the wand was in her hand, pointing directly at Albus' long crooked nose.

"I'll do anything you want." Albus said rapidly, his light blue eyes begging his furious wife for mercy.

Minerva snorted in disgust at his offer. Albus flinched as she seemed about to hex him, then dared to breath again when she lowered her wand slightly. "Anything I want ?" She questioned sternly.

"Yes my darling, anything you want, I promise." Albus answered.

"No trying to get out of it ?"

"Absolutely not ! I promise." Albus said firmly.

"Very well then." Minerva said triumphantly, "In that case I shall be putting you up for sale in tomorrow's auction. I suggest you get a good night's sleep."

Albus turned pale at his wife's announcement, "I think I'd prefer to have been hexed." He muttered mournfully.

The next day Minerva kept a very close eye on Albus, making very sure that he didn't conveniently vanish, as she put it. When it was nearly time for the auction to begin, she escorted him to the great hall.

"I've changed the order of the auction Albus, you'll be first to be sold off !" Minerva stated firmly, then added with a glance of disgust at his favourite scarlet and purple robes, decorated with pink and blue stars, "I don't consider that outfit at all suitable either." With a flick of her wand, Minerva transformed his robes to a sedate navy blue, edged with narrow lines of gold.

"Minerva ... I ..." Albus began plaintively.

"Hurry up Albus, it's time for the auction to start." Minerva said briskly.

Albus peered nervously round the heavy velvet curtains that hid them from view. "There must be five hundred people out there ..."

"Are you a man or a mouse Albus ?" Minerva demanded, her emerald eyes flashing.

"Squeak."

Tippety tap tap tap, Minerva's foot tapped impatiently on the wooden floor. Her arms folded unyieldingly across her chest.

"If I wriggled my whiskers at you would you chase me round the room ?" Albus asked hopefully, as he dared to shoot a flirtatious glance at Minerva.

"Albus !" Minerva snarled.

Albus pouted and shuffled his feet. "I don't wanna." He muttered.

A stern finger pointed unwaveringly towards the stage. "You promised Albus !"

Faced with Minerva's determination, the threat in her flashing eyes, Albus had no choice other than to walk miserably towards the stage. His face paling under his whiskers, as he heard how rowdy the audience was.

"Just one moment Albus." Minerva said, as he was about to step onto the large wooden stage.

Albus turned back hopefully, his eyes brightening. Hope faded as Minerva reached out, and hung a large sign round his neck. Twisting his head downwards Albus could just make out the words on it :-

_For Sale, One Dumbledore, Only slightly used._

_Twinkles excessively. Dreadful dress sense. Utterly childish and irresponsible._

_Likes :- Candy, More candy, Twinkling and Chuckling, and Even more candy. Interfereing with the Deputy Headmistress' justified attempts to instill discipline and order._

_Dislikes :- Candy that looks like candy but tastes of anything other than candy. Discipline, and order, (see above). Sensible colours. Cleaning his office._

_Bidding starts at five galleons._

Albus groaned as he read the sign, then before he could protest, Minerva shoved him in the back, propelling him onto the stage. As Albus stumbled from behind the curtains, there was a chorus of wolf whistles and cat calls, that froze the poor man in his tracks. A discreet prod from Minerva's wand persuaded him to move to the centre of the stage, where he stood blinking forlornly in the bright lights, hands clasped together like a small boy forced to stand up and recite a poem.

The auctioneer's clear voice rang across the hall, "Would anyone like to examine the merchandise before bidding begins ?"

As several women stepped on stage, and began prodding and poking the hapless wizard, Minerva grinned triumphantly, it was about time Albus experienced the consequences of his hairbrained ideas. Her emerald eyes glinted behind her spectacles, as she noted how panic stricken Albus was starting to look, as he shot a pleading glance at her, his lips forming a silent plea for help.

Bidding was brisk at first, but soon slowed - it seemed that the marjority of the women in the audience were saving their galleons for someone like Severus. Minerva had noticed several of them casting sultry glances at the Potions Master, as he hovered darkly by the curtains. She couldn't understand it herself, but something about his glowering moody persona did seem to attract women.

Just as it seemed that Albus was about to be sold to a large woman, who kept winking at him in a saucy manner, a voice piped up from the back of the hall, "I bid five hundred galleons !"

A gasp of shock rippled across the audience, as heads spun to see who had made the bid. A hiss, like that of an angry cat, escaped Minerva's lips as she recognised the woman. Her ! What was she doing here ? Minerva's lips tightened as she watched the woman saunter towards the stage, her clearly dyed platinum blonde hair glinting in the lights, clouds of heavy floral perfume wafting around her. "Daphne Dearheart !" Minerva growled to herself, the loathsome woman who had tried to get her claws into Albus years ago, refusing to take no for an answer, inundating him with perfumed love letters, and unwelcome gifts of heart shaped candy, untill an irate Albus had forgotten his normal good manners. and made his feelings on her unwelcome attentions clear. So, she still plotted to steal her man away, did she !

Reaching the stage Daphne ran her hands lecherously across Albus' chest, "I believe you're mine now." She simpered.

Before Albus could respond, the furious figure of his wife wrenched Daphne's hands away from him, "Get off my man !" She snarled, as she shoved the blonde backwards. Fixing the auctioneer with a glare that dared him to argue, Minerva stated firmly, "My husband is no longer for sale !"

Minerva grabbed a delighted Albus by the hand. "Come along Albus !" She ordered, as she led him from the stage.

"Yes dear." He answered meekly, his eyes sparkling with relief.

Just as the couple were about to vanish behind the thick velvet curtains, there was a wail of, "But Albus darling !" from Daphne.

There was a hint of steel in the blue eyes that flashed at Daphne, though the tone was still polite. "As I've told you before Miss Dearheart, I am Minerva's, always have been and always will be. May I suggest, that you set your sights on someone who is willing to return your feelings." Albus planted a tender kiss on his wife's lips, and happily let her lead him from the stage.

_Author's Notes_

_I know it isn't the most original idea, but I thought it amusing, and liked Minerva's "Get off my man !" Written after two hours sleep ! Please take time to review, and let me know if you enjoyed it. _


End file.
